Apocalypse

Apocalypse
An essay

If you watch a dog, a cat, staring into the mirror, you will observe that its face is curled into an expression that can only be described as high self-esteem. This may not sound initially like a bad thing, but has turned our world into what it is today.
Humans used to be like those senseless animals, until they discovered something better: self-pity. A whole world was ahead of us once we saw our chance to fear the future, and what better way to fear the future than to see in it… death?
The Ancient Mayans, who were years ahead of their time, predicted long ago that the world would end in 2012, the start of pity-ology. The Mayans were also contributors to the invention of making excuses for killing people, a favorite of us Pity-ologists.
At some point in the 1900’s, a brilliant mind figured out that the world would end in 2000. This made sense because the number 0 signifies an ending, like in the sequence “5…4…3…2…1… 0!” or “3…2…1… 0!”. So the more zeroes in a number, the better the chances of the Apocalypse, the ultimate end.
The year 2000 came, but when it passed the humans weren’t too disappointed. Cries of “There’s still 2010!” and “There’s still 2012!” and “And if neither of those work out… let’s say… 2050!” could be heard all throughout the land, but the only apocalypse-related event in 2010 was the release of the movie “Quantum Apocalypse”. We tried not to get too downhearted, but it was hard, and after somebody’s theory that 20,000 (it is, after all, a large number with many zeroes in it) would be the year, we started to disperse.
But no longer must we be separated!
I am releasing this as a message to pity-ologists everywhere, for if time won’t take its iron grip on the world, then we must. There are many clear advantages to bringing destruction to the world, listed as follows:
First: honesty. You can never be wrong, ever. We all accepted this oath, so killing everyone would make us honest and good human beings.
Second: religion. God predicted the end, and he would seem quite the fool if he did not get the end. He would thank us all for getting him out of a tight spot.
Third: entertainment. To destroy a building is but one of life’s greatest pleasures, to work a flamethrower in a market is like finding a simile in a field of pedantic writing.
So my friends, let us perform this task of bravery, valor, and obliteration! And may we look back on the past, we may realize—we started as pity-ologists so as to predict and fear the future, but here we are now, anticipating that which we had designed to cause fear, and we, the puppets, have become the puppeteers. ~Pact Tieren Dighd, Pity-ologist